recreationally banging (the war drum).

I can reliably say that, in the maternal/paternal instinct department, I am a complete and total disappointment to the species. I’m of the opinion that, quite frankly, procreation was never an intended element of my niche in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy kids – when I can be around them for an hour or two, pump them up full of sugar and Gwen Stefani, and then hand them back to their sleep-deprived parents. At the restaurant, I am known to occasionally groan audibly at the sight of a new table entering with children in tow – it may mean a slightly inflated tip due to dad’s guilt for bringing his offspring somewhere that he shouldn’t have, but all in all, I’d prefer no kids at all, to kids and a few extra bucks.

Within my mother’s side of the family, this was the only real soft spot that was prodded upon the realization of my sexuality. My grandparents only had two children – my mother, and my uncle, and to date, I am the only grandchild yielded from them. Essentially, the continuation of our family name was a burden placed on me like acne – I had no say in the matter, and certainly no yearning to bear it. My mother’s desperation drove her to casually bring up the possibility of in vitro, but to no avail – as I said, the whole propagating the species thing just isn’t for me.

Which got me to thinking.

There are those out there who believe that the meaning or purpose of life, is to perpetuate it – that it is our animal instinct to create mini little versions of ourselves to carry on and eat things after we die. These people hit a major snag in their theory, when they encounter homosexuals. Humans and dolphins are species known to have recreational sex – and for gays, the purpose of our sexual endeavors will permanently be pleasure-seeking. We aren’t ‘trying to get pregnant’ or fertilize our eggs by any other means. In a nutshell, we’re sexual, just because we want to be.

Not long ago, I read an article by an evangelist leader, who argued that it says in the bible that humans are to ‘go forth and multiply’, and therefore, homosexual men and women are a letdown to the human race (and, of course, doomed for all eternity, etc), which is something I think even straight people can get offended over. Apparently, our entire function is to pump out babies, and any other contributions made to the world are not relevant? If you’re barren, gay, had a vasectomy, or by any other means are no longer able to fuse half of your genes with those of another, you are useless and insignificant?

I certainly believe that ruling out the deposit of self-replicas does leave a lot of questions for gays. It’s sort of our own little twist on the ‘what’s the meaning of life’ subject that everybody must touch on at one point or another in their lives. It’s important to remember that the things we contribute to the world around us are not so simplistic – I witnessed first-hand in high school that literally everyone is capable of making a baby – there is no IQ test or questionnaire required to be eligible, and I refuse to believe that the contributions that those same people have made to society surpass those that will come from gays, which aren’t babies. Alan Turing, the father of modern computer science, would agree that his inventions were far more important than a one-way ticket to social assistance. Leonardo da Vinci would roll in his grave at the thought of a broken condom trumping his Mona Lisa in the significance column. We could assemble the scariest army of queers you ever saw, including everyone from Oscar Wilde and Edward Albee, to Elton John and Ru Paul, and close in on these closed-minded people like a swarm of queeny bees. And a mini-documentary covering the entire thing would be aired shortly thereafter on Ellen.

The thought that something as selfish as replicating yourself for years to come is the height of human achievement, is misguided, and quite frankly, incorrect – a mere distraction for those who accomplished little to feel accomplished. As for me, I have far more important trails to blaze, and seeing as how my presence on earth is a permanent limited-time offer, my ultimate aim is live on through my contributions to the world, rather than through the DNA of another human being.

In the meantime, I’ll still dread the sight of that hungry family, waiting at the crosswalk on the other side of the road. Eyes locked in, ready to feast. But it’ll be bearable, for the simple fact that I know in my heart, that the pinnacle of my success won’t ever need to sit down and eat a meal in an overcrowded restaurant.

~ by glamnesia on July 24, 2008.