the taming of an independent soul.

I am proud to say that I have a history of being an independent creature of habit. I have lived, more or less, on my own since I was eighteen, but even since childhood I have always enjoyed, and appreciated, being able to flex my individual muscle in whatever way I so choose. In my mind, this has always been a positive trait of mine – I learned very young how to ’stand on my own two feet’ and have never needed to know otherwise. Suddenly, I have found myself in a situation where being accustomed to being alone can be a bad thing – when you’re in a relationship, and your beloved has just moved in.

Many people view the merging of living arrangements as the ultimate test for a couple – there is no other physical object that the two of you will ever share that is more intimate than a roof – which is, in essence, true. When you spend enough time with one another that you hardly ever stay in your own place, obviously the elimination of one of these residences is the next step in the natural progression. However, this can also carry with it a whole other set of new challenges.

1. Fiscal matters

Of course, money and finances top the list. It becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible, to keep your funds separate after the residential join. After all, gas, groceries, and bills will all need to be paid for, and are not discriminate over whose money it is that actually pays for them. What becomes the real issue is when one (or both) parties purchase items outside the necessity while money is tight. For example, I had no idea that there was a pressing need for new lampshades in this house – but apparently, there was. If he were anybody else, such as a random roommate or my mother, chances are I would have said something immediately. However, when he comes home, with that proud look on his face of his new purchase, I find myself somehow unable to open my mouth. I have no desire to erase his happiness, in whatever form it may be, and thus, if his materialistic nature makes him at all happy, it isn’t easy for me to take that away. In the end, it’s paramount that expenses become clear and priorities are definitely set for you both, before you run out and buy that $500 worth of laminate flooring, with your house being repossessed while you’re out.

2. Personal space

This is not my first long-term intimate relationship, however it is the first time that my boyfriend has moved in. And, I will be the first to admit that it is foreign to me – I am currently sailing in uncharted waters, in which I am never quite sure how to navigate. Typically I am surrounded by landmarks and guidelines that keep me on track, but this is a whole new ballgame. When my ex-boyfriend pissed me off, I’d just go home – end of situation. I’d unwind and calm down, and then call (from a safe distance) and things would work out. I am so used to having my house act as a sanctuary, that I feel like I’ve run ashore now that my home no longer offers me that same solitude. There is always somebody else home now – I can’t sing like I’m insane at 5 am, make a pan of dirty, greasy nachos and eat them entirely by myself, go out somewhere without anybody asking me where I’m going, or even have an unnecessarily long sleep-in – all of which were activities I used to partake in (and thoroughly enjoy) regularly. Now when there’s an issue that arises, the option no longer exists for me to take the adult approach, and completely ignore it. Overnight, I now have to deal with problems in my relationship immediately and effectively, and let’s face it, human nature dictates that we avoid the unpleasant things for as long as we can. However, this isn’t an entirely bad point – upfront confrontation and resolution of those little underlying conflicts has resulted in a much closer (and happier) home life for me – and I like that, a lot.

3. Artistic vision

When it comes to home decor, I, personally, have a tendency to air on the side of the basics – excellent paint colour choices, meaningful or important artwork and photos on the walls, and the handful of plants I haven’t managed to kill yet.

Mike, on the other hand, lives for home decor – and his vision for my our house involves using every available space to cram in every idea he’s ever had for other people’s houses – a ridiculous number of plants, framed photos of waterfalls and flowers from floor to ceiling, even vases full of fake grass and bamboo – if you could put it in a house as a decoration, chances are, Mike wants it. And, quite frankly, I started to feel a little claustrophobic after I woke up to find a fig tree in my living room. Again, I refrained from speaking out about it, and slowly I watched as the sunlight was obscured by plants, dragon sculptures were placed on new shelves in my bedroom, and a wood carving of a scary native man watched me urinate. It became too much, and one night I watched in horror as I had an out-of-body experience and let my frustrations pour out – I was so concerned for his comfort and happiness that I found myself in a house that I no longer recognized – that was no longer reflective of me, and my tastes, and I didn’t like it. Of course, I wanted him to feel at home in our new shared residence, but somewhere along the way, I was the one who had just moved in.

In the end, we agreed to a compromise – the walls would be afforded a little barrenness, and there would be no new members to our rainforest family – but the native man (who was carved by his grandfather) still watches me pee.

Ultimately, there are few things trickier that one will encounter than the combination of two individuals into one house. In origami, one wrong fold can re-shape your paper crane into a an angry bee, ready to sting, even if it dies as a result. But at night, when you can crawl into bed at whatever hour, and snuggle into the one you love, you can realize that through all the folding, you definitely ended up with a beautiful swan.

~ by glamnesia on July 16, 2008.