that’s gay.

I was an early bloomer, in the sense that I was openly gay all throughout my high school years. Yes, like the thought of copulating with women, or wearing a sideways DC ball hat and adopting an accent, I determined with a considerable amount of speed that latent homosexuality just wasn’t for me. And luckily, I was blessed to be in a schooling environment that was, at least mostly, accepting of that fact. Not that I sought acceptance, but it was certainly a welcome plus. Raise your hand if you love social progression as much as I do.

Mind you, there isn’t a queer out there in our generation who has been able to avoid the use of the word ‘gay’ by their peers, with a negative connotation. The Montréal Canadiens are ‘gay’, a disliked teacher is ‘gay’, even Britney Spears is ‘gay’ (though who knows, maybe that’s in the cards for her). However, the same people who utilize the term the most are rarely gay (the real kind) themselves, yet they are the ones responsible for doling out gayness, and determining what or who is, or isn’t, ‘gay’.

Needless to say, these are usually the same people who require an extra year or two of schooling to obtain their high school diploma, if at all. The same people who wind up pumping your gas or telling you to drive though twenty years down the road. And obviously, they have the whole concept misused and misinterpreted. Let’s assume, for a moment, that their declarations of queer-dom are, in fact, accurate, and examine them a little closer.

For example: in high school, a male involved in cheerleading is definitely gay. After all, what could be more hardcore proof of one’s attraction to other males, than spending hours of extra-curricular time around all the half-dressed, most perky and good-looking girls in the school? Throwing them into the air, while their skirts billow and reveal, and catching them again with gay manliness? Without a doubt, cheerleading, when you’re a male, is gay.

However, should you be blessed with enough innate masculinity to make the high school hockey team, you’ll partake in countless communal showers with twenty other men (ass-slapping and dick-grabbing included), and an initiation process that requires you to participate in a circle jerk, involving a cracker for you all to aim at. And should you be the last one to blow his load while fantasizing about those aforementioned female cheerleaders, you will be forced to eat said cracker for all to see, dripping with raw testosterone, just to prove you have the balls to even be in the circle jerk in the first place. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the epitome of the heterosexual male at his purest, most unaltered state, and is, in no way an example of a homosexual tendency. Behold, be in awe, and for god’s sake, keep the kiddies away!

Pageantry is another fine example. Observing while gorgeous women strut their stuff in bikinis and evening gowns, and having an objective appreciation for female beauty is gay! So gay that you might catch the gay just being too close in proximity to the homo offenders.

And yet, trade in that front row seat at Miss Universe, for a seat at the table for all-guys poker night, and you’ve successfully avoided the Black Plague. The dick-dictated conversation topics you will be a part of will, undoubtedly, surpass by far the gay evening of swimwear-clad observation on the male scale.

Anybody with a remotely functioning brain should be able to see that the popular adolescent ideal what is and what isn’t ‘gay’ is so backwards, it might as well be the condom these guys try to put on while they lose their virginity at thirty four. Then again, as with any information you find thrust upon you, one must always consider the source. And in this case, perhaps it was unfair for us to entrust them with getting it straight.

~ by glamnesia on June 26, 2008.