firing blanks and taking names.

Let’s face it, we’ve all been in this kind of a situation before – you’re walking through the mall, university campus, wherever – and you run into somebody who instantaneously recognizes you. Waves, smiles, proceeds to head in your general direction. And at first, you check to make sure there isn’t somebody behind you mirroring their enthusiasm. But, to your horror, X marks the spot and it’s right on your face.

In those five to ten seconds, you frantically search for even the slightest hint or trace of anything that would trigger recognition on your end, but alas – your mental vasectomy has you firing blanks.

Although, the real blanks don’t start until the conversation does. An awkward ‘Ohhhh, how are you? Long time no see!’, or an ‘it’s so good to see you, it’s been forever!’, or anything really in that immediate family. Under no circumstances do you mention a name initially. You try to drop subtle hints, asking questions loaded like half the city on a Friday night in a desperate attempt to uncover a remote lead on who the hell this person is. ‘So where are you working now?’, or even a simple ‘what you have you been up to?’ will occasionally suffice.

However, here’s a helpful hint – if you recognize your mystery acquaintance as a reliably homosexual male, and you’re feeling bold enough to dare try a name, attempt the following, in this exact order, based on personal experience, and a little experimental cheating via the new #1 source of social information available – Facebook:

1. Chris (12.5 Facebook gay Chris’….12.5…)
   
2. Matthew
3. Michael
4. John
5. Justin

If these fail, you’re up shit creek, and every so often, gay men are prone to being more insulted that you forgot their name than most other members of our wonderful society. Typically, you’ll be corrected upon first error, but not always. And to further complicate matters, several gays are particular over their names – for example, do NOT call someone who goes strictly by ‘Matthew’, ‘Matt’ – ever. The same goes for a number of Michaels, and Jonathans, etc. I once got a drink in the face for dropping the ball on that one. So close…so close…

In summary, do your best to remember the names of the people you know – whether you know them or not. And to spare yourself some unpleasantries – if they’re gay, it’s in your best interests not to forget.

~ by glamnesia on June 13, 2008.