from the top.

There are these moments where you can feel yourself slipping away from what makes you you, and into something that only makes you half of the bigger picture. Which is fine, when chosen wisely.

We all have to try and make that choice while we are still green, still new, still infants in a world designed for grown-ups and the learned. Making wrong choices is the only way that we can grow. Bad calls are the only route to the best ones.

The only true tragedy is when an amateur crosses the path of a born professional. In my case, my stars and my heart crossed over that of a man who knew from the moment of conception how to get exactly what he wanted out of those around him. What ensued was pure and utter torture of deception and the infinite indefinite. Everything in my life that I had once viewed as sacred – love, hope, trust, became jeopardized under his watch, and in a sense, under mine.

It wasn’t until the night that I walked into our hotel room, and found him with another man that I realized exactly how far into the web I had been weaved. I was an addict – hung up over something that had the potential to kill. Strung along for my next fix, while my dealer was dishing it out to other clients what he had in limited supply. The wave of feeling that crashed over me was like no other I had ever experienced. My own personal tsunami, contained in the walls of one room, and in the actions of one singular human being.

I no longer felt invincible. Rather, I felt more vulnerable, more naive, and more destroyed than I ever thought imaginable. But on top of that, I was angry. So, so angry, but surprisingly, not at him. I was mad at me, and how pathetic I had become. That there, before my eyes, my heart’s desire was very obviously not my own. But yet I still wanted it. I still wanted it. Despite his clear disregard and disrespect for anything I ever stood for, going against everything that everyone around me was screaming, and even though 49% of me was absolutely appalled at the image that will forever be burned into my mind, I still wanted him.

But I assure you, it does pass. You will be able to eventually love yourself more than you love another whose only intent is to use you as a means to get to a very different end. When you feel betrayed beyond repair, it is not your final detriment. After a long and inexplicably hard road, I worked my way free from the web, and I was reborn. For the life of me, I will never be able to explain to you exactly how. But I got there. I fought and endured the mindgames and the mental abuse and the hardship, and the hatred of myself and of him within ceased and I got there. I had to rewrite my own story, because without that belief in myself, my detriment would have been my doubt, and that would have been my end. But that last strand of the strength within that I know I have, refused to allow him to be the author. I won’t allow anybody to finish off my story, but me.

I picked up the pieces of that horrible choice I made, and put them back together to make my own whole. The only doubt left within me, is whether or not he will ever be able to do the same. And in a way, I find that very sad. In another, it is a comfort to know that I effectively used him, as a means to a very different end, that is beyond his breadth of comprehension.

You will triumph. You will start over. There will be a new beginning and you will be more learned than before.

It is possible, after all, to hit reset and take it from the top.

~ by glamnesia on June 10, 2008.